


Birthdays and Camping and Kradam...Oh My!

by CydSA



Series: The Adam Lambert & Kris Allen Comedy Collection [3]
Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: Future Fic, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-22
Updated: 2010-05-22
Packaged: 2017-10-09 15:53:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/89098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CydSA/pseuds/CydSA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Granting a birthday wish is not always a good idea…especially when there might be bears.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Birthdays and Camping and Kradam...Oh My!

You should know better)  
Dream of better lives the kind which never hate  
(You should see why)  
Dropped in the state of imaginary grace  
(You should know better)  
I made a pilgrimage to save this humans race  
(You should see why)  
What I'm comprehending a race that long gone by

(I'll stop the world) I'll stop the world and melt with you  
(I'll stop the world) You've seen the difference and it's getting better all the time  
(Let's stop the world) There's nothing you and I won't do  
(Let's stop the world) I'll stop the world and melt with you

The future's open wide

 

So, this was our first birthday celebration as a couple. I was gleefully planning a breakfast in bed morning with hot sex as dessert. But, being the thoughtful, amazing boyfriend that I am, I thought I would give Kris the chance to choose his present. My sweetie was sure to be of like mind. Right?

 

"Baby."

"Hey Adam."

"Whatcha doing?"

"Working on the melody for this song with Kara."

"So…"

"Yeah?"

"I was just wondering…"

"Spit it out, babe."

"It's your birthday this weekend."

"You remembered?"

"Everything about you, baby. So, my question is, what do you want to do on your birthday?"

"I have choices?"

"Anything within reason, letting me put makeup on you would be nice."

"It's my birthday, not yours."

"Just remember that come January, Kristopher."

"So, anything, huh?"

"I don't think I should have made your options so broad. Maybe…"

"I want to go camping."

"…"

"Adam?"

"Sorry, that was me picking myself up off the floor. I was sure I heard you say camping."

"Yeah! I think that would be awesome! Let's go for the weekend."

"Um, oh-okay."

"Adam? You sound a little sick."

"Just saw a dead animal on TV. All good. Okay! Camping it is! Fun!"

"I love you, you're the best."

"Love you too, baby. Buh-bye."

 

Can you vomit and faint at the same time without humiliating yourself? Didn't think so. Camping. Oh joy, my absolute favourite activity in the world along with having my toenails pulled out and clearing out my closet for charity. But I love my Kristopher so it was camping for the weekend. Crap. I needed help.

 

"Hi Mama."

"Hello darling"

"Did we camp?"

"…"

"As in with a tent and sleeping bag?"

"Why?"

"Kris wants to go camping for the weekend."

"And you agreed?"

"I offered him a choice of activities as a birthday gift. He chose camping."

"You should have given him a shorter list, darling. With no camping on it."

"Thanks Mama, no kidding, but I have committed to it so I must go forth."

"You are going to hate it."

"Thank you very much, mother dear. I am fully aware of that, but I promised so must keep my word."

"Kris won't mind if you…"

"Nope, he's given up a lot to be with me. The least I can do is rough it for a weekend."

"Do you even know what roughing it means?"

"I am an intelligent, resourceful man, I can do whatever I set my mind to."

"Okay. If you say so."

"Ye of little faith. Now, where do I start?"

"Find a campground? Check with the National Parks website. It depends on how far you want to go."

"As long as I have mobile reception."

"Adam. The whole point is to get away from everything."

"But what if there is an emergency?"

"911 still works."

"So, no mobile phones. Check. Next?"

"Well, you probably will need a tent. Maybe you should hire a motor home."

"Now that sounds like a plan! See, I knew I should call you first."

"Good luck, darling. Have fun. Or at least, don't get eaten by a bear."

"There are bears? Mama? Mama?"

 

"Articulate."

"Brad, do you camp?"

"Beg yours?"

"Do you camp?"

"I am camp. Does that count?"

"No. Fuck."

"This sounds intriguing. Spill it, dollface."

"Kris wants to go camping for his birthday."

"It must be love."

"Stop laughing, you gay bastard."

"You're one too, do you camp?"

"How hard can it be? I went to Burning Man three times."

"You did a lot of weed. I don't think your boy is going to let you spend the weekend doped up."

"True. I am in such shit."

"You so are. Can I come with?"

"Not a fucking chance. It's going to be humiliating as it is."

"I think you should film it for a reality TV special. 'Kradam go Camping'. I can see it now."

"I am going to need a lot of alcohol. And a lobotomy."

"I think you've already had one if you're going camping. Taking a gay man out his natural habitat is cause for the Apocalypse."

"Yeah. I might die."

"But what a beautiful corpse. Whither dost thou campest then?"

"I don't have a clue. Wait, let me look at the National Parks website. My mother suggested it."

"Leila is a goddess."

"A scrap-booking goddess."

"Exsqueeze me?"

"Yep, she's up to Neil and my junior years. It's terrifying."

"You need to get her laid."

"No! I refuse to think of my mother having sex. That way lies blindness and insanity."

"You are such a girl. Women have needs."

"Mothers don't."

"Yes, of course, they scrap-book."

"Shut the fuck up and tell me where to go."

"As I am the guru of camp, read me the names of possible locations."

"Death Valley."

"Perfect. You'll die there. Here lies Adam Lambert, flaming queer and rock…"

"Seriously. Not helping here."

"Death Valley out. Next!"

"Mojave National Preserve."

"That could be fun. What does it say?"

"Okay, 'Singing sand dues, volcanic cinder cones, Joshua tree forests and carpets of wildflowers are all found at this 1.6 million acre park'. If I go there, I'll get lost and die."

"And you sound like Richard fucking Attenborough. Singing fucking sand dunes."

"It says it 'provides serenity and solitude from the crowds of major metropolitan areas.' But I like crowds."

"Don't whine, princess, you volunteered for this. Next!"

"Joshua Tree National Park."

"Isn't that the name of a U2 album?"

"Yeah! Kismet. I can do U2. Although, Bono is a bit old now. This must be the place."

"What is it about?"

"Dark night skies, a rich cultural history and surreal geological features…"

"That sounds like the spot."

"Indeed. This won't be so bad. What do I need to bring?"

"You are going to die out there."

"Quite possibly. Later."

 

"Kristopher."

"Hey Adam."

"You know I love you, right?"

"Yep."

"Do you seriously want to go camping?"

"Yeah. But not if you don't want to go."

"Of course I do, sweetie. I've booked us in at the White Tank campground at Joshua Tree National Park. I booked out the whole campground for us."

"You're kidding."

"Me? Never. Oh, and I hope you don't mind but I rented a motor home for the weekend. I don't mind camping but I refuse to be without a shower and toilet."

"You are an angel and I can't wait."

"Just remember, when it's my birthday…"

"Yeah, yeah, I'll owe you. Gotta go babe, love you."

"Love you too."

 

So, the motor home was delivered and I was skeptical even when I saw the inside. It was pretty plain but at least there was a bed and a shower and a toilet which was really all I was worried about. Kris was so excited. It made me smile when he raced through the vehicle, exclaiming at every little thing like it had never been invented until now. I had not been in a relationship before where small things were what was precious and the big stuff was easy.

"Adam! They have plates and cups and stuff!"

"Yeah, baby. And a bed. So no sleeping on the ground." He turned to me, face downcast, lower lip jutting out.

"Not just for one night? I really want to lie under the stars with you." My mother's comment about bears kept reverberating in my head, but honestly, how was I supposed to resist? That lip. It was my doom.

"Maybe for a bit. But only because you're adorable and it's your birthday." See? Capable of compromise.

 

Friday morning came and we loaded up (I made sure there was enough alcohol to dull the pain) and headed out. Yeehaw. What? No sarcasm at all there. I left the driving and directions to Kris and dedicated myself to the entertainment for the journey. How long could 140 miles be?

 

Turns out, forever if the guy in the driver's seat refuses to use GPS and won't ask for directions. I bit my lip and poured myself a tequila or six. When in desert country and all that. We eventually arrived at the Joshua Tree Visitor Center and were greeted by a nauseatingly cheerful Parks officer who took our money and then told us to load up our water.

"I beg your pardon?" I may not have been quite as eloquent as that, ten tequila shots tend to make me a little slurry, but seriously, load up our water?

"Yes sir, White Tank has no water on site, ya'll will have to take it in with you." I was going to die out there in the wilderness. Of course, Kristopher was like a kid in a candy store and excitedly followed little Ms Chipper Ranger to collect our water. I took the opportunity to call for aid.

 

"Neil."

"Why are you whispering, Barbra?"

"I just want you to know that if I die, you can have my collection of jackets from Skin Graft."

"While I am always grateful for freebies, why would you plan on dying any time soon?"

"Because I am out in the middle of Bumfuck, Nowhere, in a moving hotel room with a boyfriend who believes that GPS is the devil and there are bears!"

"Could you be any more hysterical?"

"I probably could, but I can't scream because then Kris'll hear me and he'll know what a chicken shit coward I am and that I know nothing about camping."

"What the…sorry, I thought you said camping."

"I did. I'm too young and beautiful to die out here. You even have to carry your own water. It's like 'Deadwood' or some shit."

"My god, you're camping!"

"Fuckwit! What did I just tell you?"

"I thought you were drunk dialing me again. Why on God's green earth would you be camping?"

"It's Kris' birthday present."

"You gave Kris camping for a gift?"

"I asked him what he wanted. He wanted to camp."

"You are the world's worst camper."

"How would you know, we've never been camping before?"

"Queen Latifah, don't you remember the joy that was summer camp? The fun you had swimming and playing baseball and riding horses?"

"Oh God. I think I deliberately forgot those camps. I wasn't very good, was I?"

"That's like asking if the hole the iceberg made in the Titanic was only a small one and wouldn't do much damage. You are going to die out there."

"I have my mobile."

"What campground are you going to?"

"We're at the entrance of Joshua Tree National Park, we're at White Tank."

"You know that's like the desertiest desert you could possibly find? It's summer. The temperature goes way over 100 degrees."

"No shit, Sherlock, hello, what part of 'carry your own water' didn't you understand?"

"I will write a loving obit for you."

"Why do I bother calling you?"

"Because the only person on the planet who can truly appreciate the depth of the crap you are in is me."

"Have I told you lately that I hate you?"

"No, and let me tell you, I miss that."

"You'll be sorry when they find my body drying out in the desert."

"At least you won't have to worry about being fat if you die of thirst."

"You are a bastard."

"Nope, mom and dad were married when I was born, not so sure about you though."

 

Then Kris came back with what looked like about one gallon of water and I started panicking for real.

"Baby, you know that doesn't look like enough water for the two of us for two days. I mean we need to shower and drink and …" His cheerful grin made me re-think how much I loved him.

"The cool thing about camping is that you don't have to worry about being clean and stuff. We can just rinse our faces, wash our hands and we'll be good to go."

Oh dear lord, not being able to shower for two days. It was the fucking Apocalypse. I had to do something.

"Kris, baby, honey, love of my life." He looked at me with a bright-eyed smile. "You had better fucking fill the water reservoir in this motor home to the brim because if you think I will go for one day without a shower, you are out of your ever fucking loving mind!" My voice may have risen a little at the end there. The wide brown eyes were a clue. My boyfriend is nothing if not smart though and dutifully pulled the motor home around the back of the visitor's center and filled the water supply for our weekend. I found my zen. At the bottom of the tequila bottle. Along with the worm.

 

By the time we reached our camp ground it was dark, Kris had long passed the 'excited about camping' phase and I was slightly more than a little bit drunk. He had taken the directions from the park ranger and spent half an hour swearing and snarling because they were wrong. Of course, I was too big of a person to point out that if he had actually used them then we might not have gotten lost. I was biting my tongue though. Because I wasn't going to say 'I told you so'. Really, I wasn't. There was no light at the camp ground, apart from the natural light of the desert moon. I would have appreciated it more if I wasn't busy looking around in the dark for possible death by animal. The shadows were long and eerie and it seemed to perk Kris right up. He leapt out of the vehicle and raced around the pitch dark area, exclaiming and shouting and the sound echoed across the night sky. Okay, fine, I'll admit, it was kind of pretty. In a scary, Friday the 13th way.

"Adam! This is the most awesome spot in the world! We're completely alone out here!" I nodded weakly, trying not to think too hard on that line, 'in space, no one can hear you scream'. Insert the desert for space and we were in Alien territory.

"It sure is a quiet place." I have mentioned before about the 'not brave' side of my personality. Kris was stupid brave. He had stepped out of his comfort zone into the insanity of a life with me, barely stopping for breath. And there he was, in the silver moonlight, shining and laughing, arms flung wide and spinning in a gleeful circle. I couldn't resist and stepped out of the safety of the motor home. When I reached him, he stopped spinning, eyes bright with joy and I just kissed him. Kissing Kris is a near religious experience for me. Each one I treat as sacred and special and a gift. He just loves me. How lucky am I? We stood there for a while, arms wrapping one another in fleshly chains, murmuring, whispering, feeding. Okay, then, maybe camping won't be so bad, I thought.

Kris muttered against my mouth, "We should get some sleep, tomorrow we can go hiking or rock climbing and maybe horse-riding and the guide mentioned that…" Just like that, the romance of the moment dissipated and the panic came galloping back. Yeah, and I was so good at those things.

"Um, Kris, do you remember my love for sports?"

His frown told me he was listening, "Yeah, you don't like them so much."

I smiled, he did pay attention, "Well, hiking, rock climbing and horse riding qualify as sports in my book. I just want to laze around the campground and spend some time with you, sweetie." I was being reasonable, right?

 

So, sleep came fairly easily, once I was able to ignore the screeches from the owls and the squeaks of the mice they were killing. I cuddled up next to Kris, he curled in next to me and the night sang us to sleep.

 

Morning came with an explosion. The sun burst into the motor home with the force of an atomic bomb. It was dark one moment and full wide-awake brain-burning day the next. We both woke up with a shock. I am not a morning person. Kris is. Yet another reason the yin and yang of us seems to work on some cosmic but ultimately bizarre level. He bounced out of bed with a cheery greeting and shot outside to greet the day. I hid my head under a pillow and cursed the day of my birth. Well, perhaps not that day, but certainly the day I had the Einstein moment of granting Kris his birthday wish.

"Adam, babe! Come outside, you have to see this." I groaned and slinked outside with the bed cover wrapped around me. Morning had broken. The sun was a huge yellow ball of puss in the sky and I wanted to find a giant needle and pop it. My eyes were bleeding. I muttered a curse and spun around, heading back indoors for my sunglasses. Kris could barely contain himself. He was practically leaping out of his skin. "Adam. This is just…I have no words for the awesomeness this is." With my shades on, I took a gander at my surroundings. It was a place that God seemed to have forgotten. My heart sank. I had two days of this, I was going to need therapy so badly when I got home. "Come on, babe, let's go and put some clothes on and take a slow walk. Explore a little." He was so eager, my little puppy Kris and it was his birthday so I was magnanimous.

"Happy birthday, my love." I smiled and leaned down to kiss him but he had already moved off, rushing back into the motor home to get changed and explore his strange new world. I just hoped the little shit knew that my sacrifice was proof of how much I loved him. I reluctantly followed him inside.

 

After a brief wash, Kris warning me to just wash up because the shower would have to wait until tonight, the two of us headed out. He grabbed my hand and dragged me along with him into the wilderness. He was pointing out cacti and rock formations and scrubby bushes and I eventually started to fall under the spell of this godforsaken spot on earth. We wandered up to a place called Arch Rock (handy things signposts – a comforting sign of civilization) and climbed up. Well, Kris climbed and then tried to haul me up. I was done with exercise for the day though and merely sat myself down on a comfortably flat rock outcrop while he clambered to the top and screamed,

"I'm the king of the world!" And the echo was like a shockwave around the sky. We were both staggered and silent and I acquiesced. This place was indeed magical.

Back at camp, Kris decided that we needed to barbeque. I don't think in my entire life the two words, 'need' and 'barbeque' have ever been part of the same sentence. But in Kris-land, this was the next step. We had wood and matches and fire lighters so I left my Cro Magnon man happily setting trees on fire while I went inside to make drinks. I am an ornament. I mix alcohol. That's it on the food and sustenance front from yours truly. Anything other than PB &amp; J was not going to happen. Fortunately, Kris knew this already so he just kissed me absently when I handed him his beer and I perched on the wooden bench of the camp picnic table nearby.

"Isn't this the best?" He drew in a deep breath and exhaled noisily. "The air is so clean here; I can feel it clearing out my lungs." I smiled at his enthusiasm, covered head to toe in sunscreen, sunglasses, hat and clothes. It was already about 90 degrees and it wasn't even midday yet.

"I don't dare breathe; I might die from all the purity. My lungs are happy with the smog of LA. They're whimpering that they want to go home. I think they're scared of the clean."

Kris grinned merrily at me, his eyes dancing. "You are such a city boy."

I tipped my margarita at him, "And proud of it, baby. I like my traffic jams and exhaust fumes and long ass traffic lights and smoky skies. All this blue and bright scares the shit out of me."

He was laughing now, "Arkansas is something like this. Without the heat and the desert." He chuckled at my eye roll, "Fine, maybe not exactly like this but it's clean and pure and the sky is crystal blue. Like your eyes." And just like that, he owned me. Again. I felt my heart beat once, a slow throb, like the gong in a Buddhist temple and then speed up again. He made me crazy, this man. I loved him so much.

So I told him, "This land is like you. It looks plain and barren and slightly boring." His eyes narrowed, mouth pursed and I hurried on, "But if you just take a bit of time, look a little closer, you see all the tiny spots of unreal beauty that you might have missed if you just rushed by." Kris' cheeks were a little pink with delight and he left his manly fire tending and came to sit on my lap, body turned into mine. My arms encircled him and he put his head on my shoulder.

"I don't think I told you just how much I love you for doing this for me." The rough, raspy timbre of his voice caught me; I was the fly on the flypaper.

"I wanted to."

His low laughed reverberated against my neck and I shivered, "It's okay, darlin', you don't have to lie. I know that you're hating every second of this."

I wriggled beneath him and his breath hitched. "Maybe not every second, Kristopher. Besides, it's your birthday. The first one we get to spend together as a couple. I wanted it to be special."

He lifted his head, grabbed my face between his hands and looked at me, "Adam. Every fucking moment. Every fucking hour. Every fucking day. It's all special because I get to spend it with you." Goo. That's what he makes me. Goo. It's slightly disgusting, but it seems to be reciprocal so at least I'm not alone.

 

The fire burnt out. It happens when the Neanderthal responsible for tending it has his tongue down his boyfriend's throat.

 

We took another short walk later, spotted some lizards which made me squeak, in a manly way of course, and some very forward squirrels who appropriated the lunch rolls we had taken with us on our walk. We just sat on the heated rocks under the burning sun and watched the little creatures squabble with one another for the food.

"We probably shouldn't feed them." Kris whispered to me.

I snorted, "And just who is going to find out that we did, Mr. Allen? Keep your conscience silent about this please. The squirrels need the food." He grinned at me, bussed me on the cheek and we carried on observing the battle in front of us.

 

Later, the sun started dropping, almost as suddenly as it had appeared that morning and we pulled out one of the mattresses from the motor home, tossed a couple of blankets on it and lay down together, watching the day die. It was pretty spectacular I had to admit to an annoyingly smug Kris, and it was made even better because he and I were lying in each others' arms. A couple of months ago, this would have been an impossible dream, but then, I don't think I could ever have imagined just how amazing the reality of us would be.

"So, we going to sleep out here tonight, under the stars?" Kris' voice was a gruff murmur against my chest and I sighed.

"Sweetie, me and the great outdoors, we're not friends. What I did today with you is about as much of the 'rough guide to camping' Adam as you're going to get. I like beds and pillows and doors that keep the bears out."

He giggled, "Bears? Who told you there were bears? This is desert country. There are no bears here." I was totally killing my mother when I got back to Hollywood.

I tried to salvage a little pride, "I know that, stupid. I was trying to make a point."

His soft puff of laughter told me he didn't believe me and then he said, "There are coyotes though. And the snakes only really come out at night." I froze. Coyotes? Breathe, Lambert, breathe. They're just dogs. With teeth.

"Don't coyotes eat people?" I was rather proud of my steady voice.

Kris didn't bother to disguise his laughter this time, "Adam, they're more scared of you than you are of them. Well, unless you're injured then they'll attack you, or if they're in a pack, then they might have the guts." Just that moment, an eerie howl echoed across the stony basin. The hairs stood up on my entire body and my eyes about bugged out of my head. That was it. I was done with this sleeping outside under the stars bullshit. I sat up, turned to my boyfriend and said,

"If you want to stay out here and be coyote food, be my guest, but I am going inside and not coming out until morning." I didn't bother with being dignified in my retreat. I fled.

 

I am happy to report that Kristopher decided that sleeping inside with me was better than outside alone with the wild dogs. Good to know you rank above smelly canines in importance. That, and of course the fact that I give really toe-curling, blow the top of your head off, blow jobs when suitably motivated might have had a little to do with it. I work to my strengths. They are many and immeasurable.

 

He dragged me out before dawn the next day. I had thought my 'up before sparrow's fart' days were done for now. But my beloved wanted to watch the sunrise with me. Fair enough, it was gorgeous watching black ooze into midnight blue, violet and magenta and eventually seep into pink and orange and golden light. We sat in the warm morning, huddled together and observed the show. Nature was intent on bragging a little.

Kris sat in behind me, on the picnic table, arms wrapped around me, chin on my shoulder. "This is what I wanted to share with you. Nature, in all it's raw and untamed glory."

I tilted my head to one side, rested my cheek against his hair, "I get it, baby, really I do, but I was born with a credit card in one hand and a make up bag in the other. I was never meant for the great outdoors."

He squeezed me, "But if I ask you, will you come camping again with me sometime?" I turned in his arms until his legs were either side of my hips and I placed my hands on his knees.

"If you bribe me with lots of presents and really great sex, then we can talk about it." His mouth rubbed against mine, soft, warm, and I opened to let him in.

"Did I tell you that you look really gorgeous here in the morning light?" My poet, my prince. He just couldn't stop being adorable.

"Not yet you haven't." So he kissed me sweetly and whispered that he loved me and that he was never going to let me go. Not even if I refused to go camping with him again.

 

That morning we ate our cereal out side, tossing corn flakes to the greedy squirrels lurking around, obviously smart enough to identify a couple of easy targets when they saw them. The Kris hauled me to my feet and insisted on taking a last walk together before we packed up and headed home. Grumbling, I acquiesced, and we strolled over boulders into the pristine and eerie landscape.

"This is probably the most desolate place I've ever been to." Kris spoke in a hushed voice, not wanting to break the quiet of the place.

I raised an eyebrow and informed him, "I was thinking about taking you to Death Valley."

His startled gaze met mine, "Are you kidding me? Please tell me you're joking."

I grinned, "Brad helped me choose Joshua Tree. We thought I could do a place that a U2 album was named after."

Kris just started laughing, "You are the most insane person in the entire world, you know that, right?"

I pouted a little and then laughed with him, "But that's one of the reasons you love me so much. Never a dull day with me." He hugged me, hard, and held me tight, his head tucked into its favourite spot between collar bone and chin.

"Every day with you is an adventure, Lambert." I pressed a soft kiss against his hair and cuddled up close.

"I want you to spend the rest of your life laughing with me. Even if sometimes it's at me. I don't mind. As long as you're with me."

He lifted his head, eyes dark, melting. "Adam. Stop waiting for me to leave. I'm not going anywhere. You are so stuck with me."

I started humming the Huey Lewis and the News song, 'Happy to be Stuck with You' and he poked me in the ribs, causing a giggle to explode.

"I watch you sleeping sometimes." I confessed and when the words hit the air, it sounded so much more stalker-y than I wanted. His shoulders shook with silent laughter and it was my turn to poke at him. "Shut up, asshole, I didn't mean it like that!" That mouth, curved in a smile was pretty irresistible so I nipped his bottom lip in mild punishment. Of course, his breath stuttered, telling me that the pain was more pleasure than censure and I grinned down at him. "Trying to have a romantic moment here please!'

He stopped staring at me like I was a medium rare steak with fried green tomatoes and sighed, "Okay, I'll let you tell me how much you love me."

I squeezed him in warning and he shut up. "So, here's the big declaration. I fell in love with you on Idol. But like a good Jewish boy, I resisted temptation and played the awesome best friend. And you totally abused me, just by the way!" His face was indignant, but I was going to relate all his trespasses against me. "All the hugs, and 'I love you man' and the sitting right on top of me and painting your nail and 'Adam deserved this' and touching and did I mention the hugging?" I was a little out of breath, my guy was silent, so I continued, "You were the best non-gay, non-female friend I had ever had so I wasn't going to do anything to jeopardise it. Besides, I thought, and still do by the way, that Katy was made of awesome. I kept trying to take a step back, but you never let me get far. It drove me crazy and I thought for a while it was all on purpose. Then I realised that you were pretty much the most clueless man I had ever met in my life and that the flirting wasn't actual flirting but you just being you." I sighed. This was taking longer than I had expected. "Somewhere in those months in our Idol-bubble, I fell in love. It sucked. You were totally unattainable but completely in reach. I don't handle temptation well."

Kris reached up and planted a kiss on my sulky mouth. "I fell in love with you too, Adam. It just took me a little longer to realise it."

I felt my mouth curve in a smile again. "And here we are."

He took a deep breath, relaxed and pliant against me. "Yeah, here we are." He pulled away suddenly and then whispered, "Um, Adam…" I quirked an eyebrow, but his face was deadly serious. "Babe, don't move. Okay?" I froze, my entire body a block of ice in an instant.

"What, what?" I demanded, freaking out, but still motionless. Kris' face was white.

"There's a rattlesnake right behind you." That did it. I exploded into motion, I think I actually leap-frogged over Kris and high-tailed it back to the motor home. I was so done with the Wilderness. I wanted my concrete jungle, and now!

 

After all the screaming and yelling was done, I calmed Kris down enough to announce that we were going to hit the road early. Adam as camper was done. I would not be bringing him out again any time soon. Once he got over being pissed off with me for running away instead of standing still, he agreed. So we packed everything away and headed back home. I drove.

 

About halfway to LA, Kris had calmed down enough to ask me, "Why did you run? Don't you know that you shouldn't move when you're close to a rattlesnake?"

I glared at him, "Excuse me, but I was not waiting for Mr. Pointy Teeth to latch on to me, thank you very much. I value my skin."

Kris rolled his eyes. "I can't believe that you're still alive sometimes. You are such an idiot about some stuff, Adam!"

I didn't want to end our week on an argument. "Good thing I have you to point out the errors of my ways then, right?" It seemed that my mouth didn't agree with me.

Kris narrowed his eyes, "Well, someone needs to tell you when you're being an ass."

I ran my tongue over the front of my teeth and took a breath. "I am so lucky that you're here then, aren't I?" It seemed that a fight was inevitable. Perhaps it had been brewing all weekend. God knows there was a part of me, a tiny, minute, very mean, deep down inside part of me that was still pissed with Kris for making me camp for his birthday present. That part had decided to come out to play.

Kris snorted, "You think you're so much smarter than everyone else."

I glanced over, "I know I am." He shook his head,

"I don't know why I bother to argue with you. You always do what you want anyway."

That did it. "Fuck you! Just. Fuck. You. I asked you what you wanted for your birthday, you wanted to go camping, even though you knew I would rate it about as highly as listening to Danny singing 'Dream On' again. And I did it. I made all the arrangements, joined in your little walks and communes with nature even lay outside with you watching the stars until you started being an asshole about coyotes. You knew how much I would hate it, but you still chose it and I still did it for you. Fuck. You."

We were silent the rest of the way home.

 

When we pulled up into the driveway of my house, I made sure I parked the motor home next to Kris' car so that he would have an easy getaway. I was so mad and hurt and sad and all I wanted was a long bubble bath with my favourite lavender scented fizzing bath balls. I went into the cabin, grabbed my bag and stalked into the house. I tried to slam my front door shut but there was a Kris-shaped obstacle in the way.

"Adam." His voice grated, seemed rusty from not being used. I stopped; my eyes were burning from trying not to cry in front of him, because that would have been the last straw. "Please. Adam. Stop." I kept my back to him. My body was shuddering from keeping everything together, I felt like if I turned, if I moved, I would shake apart. "Adam." Just my name. That's all he ever had to say and I was whole and undone and completely his. "Please." I felt his hand on my arm, stroke up and over my shoulder and rest warmly in the small of my back. He pressed and pushed and turned me until we were facing each other. I kept my gaze on my feet, though. I didn't dare look at him. "Babe. Adam. I'm sorry." Those words broke me and I could feel the tears welling in my eyes. I was like every clichéd gay man on the planet. It was humiliating. But it was Kris, so he pulled me close and rubbed my back and murmured soft nothings in my ear while I sobbed like a girl. The storm passed pretty quickly, but the throbbing headache behind my eyes remained.

I reluctantly moved away from Kris and said, "Sorry about that. I think I'm going to soak in the bath and then maybe get an early night. I'll see you tomorrow or maybe I'll call you later." I was still pretty pissed off with him. One little apology was not going to do the trick. Maybe diamonds or leather or spa days would help, but right now, I didn't want to be around him.

Kris just stared at me, "What?" He appeared confused. He'd obviously never had a gay couple fight. He didn't understand all the nasty.

I enlightened him, "I don't want to be with you right now. I think it's best if you go home. To your house." I added a little smile with it. I'm mean like that.

Kris didn't know how to play that game. "Adam. Don't be ridiculous. We're going to sit down and sort this out like two adults. Then you can go and have your bath and I'll order Chinese and we can go to bed."

I used my height to my advantage and peered down my nose at him. "Kristopher. Sorry for you, but I am done for today. Any further discussions you may want to have, well, they'll be conducted by yourself with yourself." Then I shoved him out the door and locked it on the banging and yelling. And because he had a key, I put the chain on too.

 

Monday morning and I had the mother of all headaches. Two aspirin and a power drink later, I decided to call my best gal pal, Allison.

"Baby girl."

"Addammmm!"

"You know that being so cheerful in the morning is illegal in some countries, right?"

"Whatevs, big bro. Whatz up?"

"Want to meet me at the gym for a work out?"

"…"

"Don't act so surprised. I do exercise!"

"On pain of death maybe. What's the reason for this mission?"

"Nothing. I just feel the need to work off a little…frustration."

"Oh-ho! So, either you got nothing last night, because Kris had a headache. Or you got nothing last night, because you two morons had a fight."

"It's rude to call your elders morons."

"Shoe…fits…just saying!"

"I don't think I want to hang with you after all. Amusing yourself at your friend's expense is cruel."

"Cry me a river, Adam! Remember when I was trying to get Archie to go out with me and all you did was laugh and say that we'd have beautiful but not very eloquent babies? Remember when I actually had my first date with him and you made sure you were eating dinner at the same restaurant and spent the evening glaring at him every time he tried to hold my hand? Remember…"

"Fine. I am an evil bastard and getting my just desserts."

"That's right. And I can't train with you anyway today. Archie and I are shopping for linen."

"Linen? For what? For who?"

"Buh-bye, loooooosssseeerrrr!!!!"

 

"Hi Mama."

"Darling. How was the camping?"

"Not so good."

"I did warn you."

"Can you not be all, 'I told you so' right now please?"

"What happened, baby?"

"Kris and I had a fight."

"What about?"

"You know something, I really don't know. It started with a rattlesnake and ended with me locking him out of the house."

"A rattlesnake?"

"Focus, Mama. I had a fight with Kris."

"A real rattlesnake?"

"This isn't helping."

"Sorry honey, but, seriously, a rattlesnake? What is it with you and wildlife?"

"Bye Mama."

 

"Neil."

"Loser. Camping done?"

"Yeah."

"Fun times?"

"Not so much. Kris and I had a fight."

"He try to use your eyeliner?"

"What is it with my fucking family? All I want is some sympathy."

"Card played a long time ago, RuPaul. You're on your own now. It's a big old nasty world out there."

"I'm going to go now."

"Seriously? No snarky come-back? No 'fuck you'? It must have been a doozy of a fight."

"I locked him out of the house."

"You are so screwed."

"Yeah."

"Call his ex. Ask her what works when it comes to grovelling. I think you might have to grovel. A lot. Can I come and watch?"

"Fuck you."

"He's ba-ack! The brother I know and hate."

"Back at you."

"The world is back on its axis. The way of nature is restored. Adam and Neil still dysfunctional and functioning."

"Really. Fuck you."

"I am doing the dance of joy. For real."

"Neil."

"What?"

"Thanks."

"…"

 

Now that felt good. I had been an over-emotional drama queen. Surprise! But Kris had been an inconsiderate caveman. We were a perfect match. So I called my sweetie.

"Hey, baby."

"Hey."

"I'm sorry for going all 'Carrie' on you."

"I'm sorry for making you go camping when I know it's something you hate."

"I'm sorry for kicking you out of the house last night."

"I'm sorry I let you."

"Are we okay?"

"Always."

"Where are you?"

"Open the door."

And I opened the door and there he was. My Kris. Plaid and denim and smiling and holding his hand out to me. I just yanked him in, into my house, into my arms, into my mouth, into my heart.

 

And he fit there. Everywhere. Always. Perfectly.

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics from I'll Stop the World and Melt With You - The Cure


End file.
